he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
