At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
