I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
