i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He kissed a someone with a penis
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
