i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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