i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
