I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
