In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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