I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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