She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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