Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize