i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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