just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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