I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
