my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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