He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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