There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Farmville is her only friend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
