i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
