If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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