True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
