Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
