the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
