Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
