So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
