Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
