Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
