She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
