Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Do vagina's smell?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
