No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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