My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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