I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
