fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
