My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
