Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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