Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
