if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
