I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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