Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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