I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
