I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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