Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think i got beer on your cat.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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