Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
