It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
