Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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