I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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