The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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