the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
