I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Drunk is not a location!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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