I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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