I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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