Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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