just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
