Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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