nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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