Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
