why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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