Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
They took my balls.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
