Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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